#and it is now 3 am and i have yet to eat dinner... bleh

[orcelito]

Summary of my night:

Trigun shirt: Get

Undercut: Shaved (plus a lil whoopsie)

Fascinating seeing the (very overgrown) undercut hair vs the ends of my mane. Apparently I really do have the sun golden look rn

[gallickingun]

reality-is-often-disappointing x denki || gallickingun matchups

@reality-is-often-disappointing : I, have shamelessly came here on note for a first tier matchup. MHA, my hobbies are a wild variety that includes mainly singing -as i have an ' amazing' alto voice- writing, drawing -in pencil mainly but also acrylics on canvas- I'm good at cooking -better thank baku if I do say so myself- reading fanfics obv, fangirling/gushing over hot guys with the girls yk? my dress code is ultimate modesty as i dont like showing skin, yet it's classy chic, very picky while shopping yes. my favorite colors are blank and vintage pink. aesthetic is more cutsie unicorn colors -my rooms main colors- but i actually only ever like wearing black. i do know how to swim but cant because *da-dun* i have dry eyes/also wear glasses. my favorite food is dark chocolate w/ those bits of cherries or oranges. as a first date i'm open to anything from a movie in or out, to walks on the beach or even just the arcade. i'm a she/her, and currently feeling like i'm going for a guy as a match triggers: only degradation or backtalking, it makes me anxious, a paranoid mess and i'll most definitely end up crying without even noticing. 165cm or 5'5 dark natural black hair (the 80s lion cut up to collarbone & a fringe) eye color, theyre black/brown when in sunlight. im white with a med and warmish olive undertones, natrually rosy cheeks -holy dark circles- full brows and what i've been called as "doll-like-eyes" or "cat-eyes" since theyre big and long naturally curled lashes. My birthday is on 31st of october, scorpio, INFP personality to cut short for you! I'm a child-free spirited but also am like-mature at maximum effort. I either sleep 3 or 16 hours there is no inbetween (once slept for 24 hrs but I'm not going to talk about how that freaked everyone out) I've been singing since I was three or since I've remembered. Secretly wanted to go on those x-factor shows but bleh, no. Fame is not really for me. Anywho, love you! Have fun with this and drink water! 🎵

Thank you so much for sending in the request for this! You’re such a gem, I really appreciate every time I get the pleasure of interacting with you, darling 🧡

― Denki would love the fact that you sing! He thinks you have a beautiful voice, and even if you’re across the house, if he hears you start to pick up a tune, he’ll join in! ― I think the two of you would pull all nighters together some nights, and other days sleep until you’ve passed the whole weekend by without doing much of anything. Denki can stay up until the sunrise, or he can sleep until noon, whatever you want to do! ― He loves your free spirit, it makes it easy to take you on adventures and experience the world with you. 

⁂ Denki will randomly offer to pick you up from work, and the two of you will drive a couple of hours to the countryside or the beach - windows down, music blaring, singing until your throats are numb - and you’ll spend a night or a weekend away from the world, just wrapped up in each other. 

⁂ He’s a horrible cook, absolutely terrible. Kaminari loves that you cook dinner most nights, because not only does he get to eat your delicious food, he also gets to praise the heck out of you for preparing a wonderful meal. He really adores it when you make too much and he gets to take the leftovers to work the next day. Of course he brags about you to all of the other heroes, and he really loves the note you leave on top of the tupperware. 

⁂ Even if the two of you aren’t actively together, you’ll still stay up late. Sometimes you watch Kaminari while he plays video games, laying on the couch with your legs over his lap while he mashes the controller buttons and speaks to whoever is on the other side of the headset. In between each match or round, he’ll slip the headphones off his ears and run his palm along your calf, massaging your leg, “Whatcha doin’, babe?” And he’ll listen to you drone on about whatever YouTube video you were watching, whatever thing you’re reading, or whatever social media event has gotten your attention. 

⁂ He learns how to harmonize in order to compliment your voice better. He shows it off one night when you’re singing along while cooking dinner - Denki sidles up behind you, arms around your waist, and starts to harmonize in your ear along with the song you’ve been captivated by for the last few weeks. You feel warm at the sound of his voice, and even more so due to the effort he’s put in to prove to you that your interests are his interests. And boy, is he interested in you. 

⁂ Kaminari will be down to try all kinds of fruit chocolates with you - you guys even play a roulette style game where you have to guess what kind of fruit is hidden within the chocolate. You win, mostly, because Denki just wants to stuff his face with sugar so fast that he doesn’t recognize the fruit chunks. But he still plays and is in awe of you getting every single one right because you never fail to amaze him. 

Denki slips in through the doorway, sliding off his shoes in favor of his house slippers as quietly as possible. He notices that the television is still flickering on and off, images bouncing off the glass of the window panes scattered throughout the living room walls. A chuckle parts his lips when he sees you curled up in one of his old hero merch designs - a hoodie that is too large for you, so big that it would seem it has swallowed you whole. Your legs are curled into your chest and your head rests on the arm of the couch, gentle snores making your nostrils shudder.

He tries to pick you up, slipping his arms carefully beneath your frame. But somehow you stir, your eyes peeling open lazily as you smack your lips, slowly sinking away from the realm of slumber. A gentle smile tugs on your lips and you frame his face with your hands, “Another late night?”

“Duty calls,” his voice does not sound as excited as it once did to get those midnight rings from the agency. Now, he just aches to be at home with you at the decent hours of the night, where he can hold you and fall asleep with you and remember why he fell in love with you all over again, every time he gets the faintest of whiffs of your perfume or your shampoo. 

“Dinner is in the oven,” you are murmuring, your head lolling against his chest as he settles you into his hold, “I waited for you to start the next season.”

Kaminari is laughing, but the sound of it sobers you up and you grab him by the collar of his jacket with the one arm that is listening to you tell it how to move, the other pinned between your bodies, “H-Hey, don’t laugh at me! I waited for you to start it, now we’re gonna start it.”

Somehow you’re settled back into the couch, hands desperate for him as you search his torso for somewhere to find purchase. Kaminari leans down and kisses your forehead and then the tip of your nose, his lips hovering just above the bow of your mouth as he whispers, “Whatever you want, honey.”

Matchups Original Post | Ko-Fi | Patreon | Commissions | AO3 | Writing Tag

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[nyrator]

been feeling like venting, so just some random vents- then afterwards, JSRF ramblings because I just beat that game

turning 29 at the end of the week, not looking forward to it- turning 30 next year terrifies me

mother’s funeral was friday, got that out of the way relatively painlessly (other than having to spend an extra 800 dollars just to bury my sister with her, about $4500 by the end of it

gofundme raised about $2000, other donations about $1300 last I counted (probably higher), so most of it was covered

yesterday my mother’s 70 year old best friend held a party at a bar for my mother’s friends and I was obligated to go, bunch of crazy old women talking like sailors, drinking and smoking pot and laughing about all the drugs they did and all the times they got raped (yeahhhh), the only person I was comfortable around was the best friend. And then the party ends two hours late, we’re getting kicked out of the bar, and this friend falls bending down to grab a picture of my mother that she dropped, smashes her face into the floor, and collapses with a pool of blood under her face, unmoving, right in front of me. I couldn’t get the words out that I’d go and pick the photo up for her before she went to get it, and I regret it

Thankfully, she only had a concussion and a broken nose, she started responding after about a minute of just lying there, but it messed me up, I think.

I’ve been debating if I want to start drinking. I never tried before, mainly because my father was an abusive and violent alcoholic. The other reason is because I’m afraid what I’d do to myself if I had no inhibitions in place, I feel like I’d be very dangerous to myself.

neck has been stiff for two days. Probably slept on it wrong. Also keep feeling like I get different symptoms of covid every so often after exposing myself to the public (that bar was packed with old people who wouldn’t wear masks and had no concept of personal space). Today my throat’s been sore and I can barely breathe.

my boss told me I can go back to work as soon as the funeral’s finished- not sure if I should call her to remind her or wait for her to call me, she texted me last week and I told her the funeral was on friday. But my coworker was also wondering and asked me today, and I didn’t know what to tell her, since my boss doesn’t want me to let her know just yet because of how limited they’re open (three days a week, four hours a day)

relationships are very hard

I’m a terrible person who does the bare minimum to help someone who’s terribly lonely and depressed, and it’s like I’m backed into a corner in desperation from being unable to do anything about it. I’ve caused so much harm to this relationship that I wonder if there’s any way it can survive sometimes

It’s always the case, though- I can’t get myself to do more than the minimum effort it takes, and my social anxiety prevents me from ever initiating anything, which has cost me so many people that I shouldn’t be surprised at this point. And I can feel that awful, selfish bitterness inside of me, that part of my father and my sister that’s in me that I try to suppress, and I hate it.

my diet is going well enough, lost over five pounds since starting it late August. But it’s mostly because I just dislike eating, so eating in portions is easier for me. And then there are days like today, where I just don’t eat at all. Just ate one slice of bread, 30g of peanut butter, and a small cup of ice cream today, and I don’t even feel hungry. Normally I try to get some food in me, but today I’m just too disgusted to even try to make dinner.

My sleep’s also been weird, still. Been going to bed later and later again, but can’t stay asleep. Usually only sleep in bouts of 3-4 hours, then just lay awake until I’m half asleep long enough that I feel the urge to give up and get up. It’s been like that for weeks now, I can’t remember the last full night of sleep I’ve gotten.

In lighter news, finally got back to playing JSRF. Beat it the other night after 24.5 hours of game time, just have a few more challenges left (did everything from Dogenzaka Hill to the Bottom of the Sewage Facility so far), got all graffiti and souls possible before beating the final boss. Played it via emulator (which worked great except for crashing when entering the graffiti selection occasionally) with a Switch Pro Controller, felt really good. I own it and the original Xbox for it, but just am spoiled by a PC experience, I suppose.

The gameplay is great, but the level design leaves a funny taste in my mouth. Aesthetics are worse than JSR for me, while music... it’s tough to say, it’s different than JSR, but really grew on me. Sometimes it felt more like noise (I remember the Sewage tracklist not speaking to me too much at first with the more ambient-ish tracks), but it did grow on me a lot. Baby-T was my Garage theme the entire game, such a great track.

Naganuma’s music in the first game was definitely the weakest of the original’s OST (still good of course), but in Future I feel he really stepped up his game. Teknopathetic is one of my favorite songs in the new OST.

speaking of favorite music, here’s mine from each game:

Bout the City

Dragula

Magical Girl

Miller Ball Breakers

Mischievous Boy

On the Bowl (A.Fargus Mix)

Rock It On

Super Brothers

Yellow Bream

Aisle 10

Baby-T

Birthday Cake

Count Latchula

I'm Not a Model

Like It Like This Like That

Rockin' the Mic

Statement of Intent

Teknopathetic

The Scrappy

(shout outs to Girls from the one JSR CD, haven’t listened to much of the other exclusive songs to it, but Girls was good)

but yeah, my minor gripes with Future

Linear level design was a bit painful (missing a jump and not being able to backtrack a lot was bleh), and the later levels were very painful (the sewage area and the rooftops are come to mind, skyscraper to a lesser extent but I liked the skyscraper one a bit more), but at the same time, they force you to get good, which I can appreciate, so hm. Still, a checkpoint system (especially since there are save points) or unlocking shortcuts would be a bit more convenient, if not entirely necessary.

Not having a way to stop auto-grinding, even if just holding down a trigger or something- the way I latched onto rails especially in the sewage area was painful

Points challenges mainly being “find the special points rail and just spamming Y” on it was a bit odd (mainly for the Jet Techs so far, just five minutes of spamming Y...), but I like how the combos feel in this game, especially X combos to speed up. Has a rhythm that’s hard to explain but just feels natural.

Also street challenges should’ve been explained better in general, had to look up most of the special ones (and glitched out the Shibuya Terminal one many times until realizing the fix was just “hop all over each platform multiple times and hope it counts”, the second one next to the tilted platform specifically for me

Mew/Bis/Rhyth’s redesign still hurts, but you better believe she’s the character I used throughout the entire game after unlocking her

Storywise, I think I like JSR’s take better- Professor K being a neutral party and more amusing/less insulting, Onishima > Hayashi, and the character designs and artstyle I overall prefer from the first game

Felt like it tried to add things that just didn’t really work sometimes (Death Ball comes to mind, though I haven’t messed with Versus yet, the story mission was very easy compared to how they hyped it up), and the boss battles were all... strange. Tagging enemies on that roller coaster level, having to grind up to that one Hayashi boss fight over and over and over, then even moreso for the final boss... never got much use out of targeting enemies, spinning circles around them, or things like the railgrab for high jumps or skidding to slow down for graffiti, either, but maybe they have their uses.

But man, the game did feel fun to play, just frustrating to explore, I think. I still like the idea of making Skatered, even more after playing this game. Maybe I could learn modding, or something...

Oh yeah, also got all the pieces of my costume together (minus some eva foam), we’ll see how that goes. Not looking forward to assembling it, honestly, but I can’t back out now. Main regret I think is the tights, being unable to find striped ones (and the solid ones I bought being a bit too see-through, I should’ve bought a size up maybe). Still not confident enough in my makeup abilities, either.

and one last bit of light news- I finally got my Kuja figure, he’s so beautiful and detailed and I need a good place to put him

[drybonesawaken]

A group of people wanted to share a journal together. So this week, I've been journaling (almost) every day, and tomorrow I'm gonna be passing it onto the next person.

It was kinda fun. Bit scary to put my thoughts out there - but not that bad tbh. I figured since I am not gonna keep the journal I should transcribe my thoughts somewhere, so here they are.

Yes, the math bits were included in the journal when I wrote. Just something fun I did. You can try to figure out if it means anything if you want :)

-

Maple 3.27.21

I don't like journaling .-. mah handwriting sucks, and pen ink takes too long to dry. Apologies If any of this page is smudged as a result ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And no, Maple does not use anything but pen. When mistakes are made, and trust they will definitely be made, you see a lot of bleh <- that. I also missed like three words in the previous sentence, but it's messy to try to go back and put them in :( this is the consequence of writing when brain is running at negative mph... This may be two paragraphs of nothing, but honestly that's how my day goes, usually. Right now I'm listening to this audiobook to fill up my brain and stop it from thinking. It's quite interesting. I read the book back in middle school, and it's taking me on a trip down memory lane. I was listening to this earlier while playing tetris, too. I'm joining a tetris tournament tomorrow, so I've been grinding this week. Hopefully it goes well! It's funny how I spend so much time playing this game which means so little - but somehow, I find fulfillment in the emptiness that it brings me. Breaking personal records is such a meaningless ordeal, but somehow it's something I strive so hard to do. These days, PBs come once every couple of months. It's not worth it.

-

Maple 3.28.21

Today felt like I did everything and nothing all at the same time. I found out I don't like tetris tournaments. I hung out with some friends. I ate a big dinner. I made some choices I highkey regretted, yet couldn't stop myself from making in the moment. I spent some time sulking over said mistakes by cuddling with roommate. Very thankful for him - I definitely make him so uncomfortable LOL but he puts up with it because he knows touch is my love language. I was debating for awhile today over what I should eat for dinner (or breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it :') ) and I realized what I wanted to eat most was my own cooking. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling like cooking, so I had to settle for something else, but this was kind of a wake up call: when's the last time I cooked for myself? hmmm... It's also at the same time pretty cool because less than a year ago, I was still at a place where I strongly disliked my cooking and only ate it because I had to. Crazy how things can change in just a year - my culinary skills must have improved a lot over last summer... I really need to get my car tires fixed tomorrow. I have time tomorrow. I had better go. If I don't, my car is gonna break.

How does one stop beating themselves up for their mistakes? I don't struggle with forgiveness, but oh how I struggle with forgiving myself...

1 + 2 = 4 = 2

-

Maple 3.30.21

Yesterday, we had to record something for Easter that took forever. It was not fun. I kept messing up. And my perfectionist self kept blabbering about wanting to redo certain things. Everyone was tired - it went so long - some people had exams; I can only imagine how annoying it must have been to hear me complaining about doing things again, and yet - and I hate myself for this - I couldn't help but keep bringing it up. Of course, being unsatisfied with the way I played, I volunteered to patch things up in post production. *sigh*, what a mistake that ended up being. Afterwards, I was tired and wanted to go home. Yet, because someone asked, and I guess I was a bit hungry, I decided to go get food with Junshik and Bryan. My ulterior motive was to talk to Bryan about buying cars, so I guess that worked out. But yikes, I only got 7 hours of sleep last night. - Today sucked. I'm realizing more and more that part of depression is the complete dependence on sleep. When I get not enough sleep, I'm not just fatigued: my life is just hell. I straight up no-showed to a meeting and apologized for it 8 hours after the fact (my excuse was that I feel asleep. Wow, something so embarrassing most people would find an excuse for it has now become my go to excuse. Rip). Went to a meetup because I didn't want to cancel - again - so that was fun (sorry if you're reading this. I lied when I said that I was ok :/). Life group was great I wanted to die but I was leading worship so I couldn't just leave. And oh yeah I just spent the last 4 hours after life group mixing that audio clip because stupid ol' me volunteered to do it asap yesterday. Tomorrow will be fun. I have 7 meetings/meetups from 9am to 8pm. I wonder how many I'll cancel last minute, or straight up skip...? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I hate ______.

-

Maple 3.31.21

9am to 8pm today was rough. It's kinda crazy - when I wake up, I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day...but I really needed it to be at least an okay day. And I think I somehow willed that into existence :O I need to try this again sometime. Didn't cancel or skip a single thing today! (Praise God!!!) After my meetings all ended, I had to tutor for another 3 hours until 11:30, too. That was draining. I also pranked a friend today - told her I was dating right after midnight. Oh I love April Fools. She's the only one I can consistently troll year after year. I also spent a considerable amount of time after midnight trying to figure out how to script Audacity in Python. Useless, sure, but it could save us sound people a couple of minutes every Sunday if I figure it out. This is what my degree is for :') Sleep is going to feel so good tonight.

5 + 4 - 7 = 2 + 1 11 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 6 4 + 2 = 3 5 = 2 + 2 - 3 5 = 4 - 1 - 2

-

Maple 4.2.21

I think my handwriting is getting better with this almost-daily practice =) This whole week has been busy-ness from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Hung out with people yesterday for the first time this week, and it was pretty tiring. I can't say I regret it though; I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about certain people. Recently, I've been noticing that people can tell when I'm tired a lot more obviously - someone on worship team who I only interact with on Sundays literally called me out for it. I'm finding that it just sort of slips onto my face, in such a way that I don't notice and can't even recognize it: I'm shocked every time it happens. Maybe it's because I've lost the will to live, so the lack of will to hide it came alongside as well. I accidentally let it slip that I've been brain empty to worship team today, and now there are even more people worried for me, some of whom I barely know. I'm such a burden :( Brain empty is honestly such a mood though. I have too many problems and not enough will to confront them. Better to just avoid. Yeah yeah yeah this is not healthy I know. I'll save doing things the healthy way for tomorrow :')

1 + 1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 8 = 7 6 - 5 = 10 + 1 1 + 2 = 1 - 1

-

Maple 4.3.21

Today was supposed to be a more chill day, but it really wasn't... Forced myself to get out of bed for a meetup rather than cancel it. I think if I had cancelled it, everything else I had to do today would have followed suit shortly after.... It ended up being a 2-hour meetup, straight into 2.5 hours of tutoring. As much as they might have been pretty ok tbh, I can't say I enjoyed it. I was so dead afterwards. I wanted to cancel my dinner meetup so bad. But I had already gone shopping earlier today (during the first meetup) so that I could cook for him. And I knew if I cancelled it'd be another week before I'd have a chance. The food would have gone bad. So following 2 tilt-inducing matches of tetris which were supposed to be stress relieving (they were not), commenced 2 hours of cooking, followed by a 3.5 hr meetup. It was... haha... Did I enjoy it? Yup. Did I have a hella-thick mask on the whole time? Also yup. I'm so ready for a long hot shower and an early bedtime. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm not feeling very victorious...

1 + 2 = 4 - 1 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 = 1 1 + 2 + 3 - 4 = 4 - 1 - 2 + 1

[tellerford-mayhem]

Americano: No hablo su Jesus Cristo Chapter 3

Masterlist

Ship: Chibs x OC

Word Count: 2,500 Words

Synopsis: Isa learns that the Sons may not have been involved in the death of her father.

Rating: M

Warnings: Strong Language, Mentions of Death and Suicide

A/N: As promised, here is part 3!! Next part, which I have already started features a very different dynamic in the relationship between Isa and Chibs as he comes to terms with what she means to him.

Her POV

Isa hadn't seen SAMCRO in 2 weeks, which she had found rather odd, but at the same time she felt relieved. She had hoped something fell through and the tribe was no longer selling to them. However, when she heard a group of bikes approaching that day, her heart sank. She walked outside and saw them park in front of her house. Chibs smiled at her as he took off his helmet. She rolled her eyes and stormed through them. “If looks could kill…” she heard Tig day under his breath.

She huffed and continued walking until she got to Wolf Tamer’s house. She knocked loudly on the door. “Wolf, let's go!”

He stepped outside in his boxers and shielded his eyes from the sun. He saw the bikes outside her house, so he knew why she was there. “Can you wait until I am dressed?”

She nodded and stepped inside. “We are going to Oakland.”

“Why?” She heard him ask from down the hallway.

“I'm not supposed to be here while SAMCRO is here, and I don't want to be followed while I'm alone, again.”

“You were followed?” He asked as he walked towards her while pulling a shirt over his head.

“Jax had his Scottish Bulldog follow me into Charming. They don't trust me because my uncle is Alvarez.”

He grabbed a hat off the kitchen table. “I'll tag along. Why are we going to Oakland today?”

She smiled as they walked to her car. Chibs and Tig watched her as she climbed into the driver’s seat. “To make them nervous,” she said as they backed down the driveway.

“Please don’t get me killed,” he said, looking back at the biker who was close behind them.

Chibs POV

He watched her walk into Wolf Tamer’s house and instantly grew uncomfortable. He kept a close eye on the door, waiting for her to storm back out. He heard movement coming from there before the two of them walked out and past their bikes. He heard her mention Oakland before getting into her car, smiling at them. “Shite,” he said under his breath.

“Where’s she going?” Tig asked.

“Tell Jax I’ve gotta run.”

“Chibs!” he called after him as Chibs sped away.

He followed at a distance. As soon as he entered Mayan territory, he pulled over and removed his patch; anything to lessen his chances of being spotted. He watched as they pulled into the same driveway as a few weeks ago. She got out of her car and hugged her uncle who met her in the driveway. He watched Wolf Tamer get out of the car and shake Alvarez’s hand. He sat against his bike, watching carefully until he felt the cool of a gun touch the back of his neck. “You’re a long way from home,” said a voice from behind him.

“Aye, and yer treadin’ in dangerous waters.” He put his hands up and slowly turned around. He was face to face with one of the Mayans. “Don’t worry. I’m not here for Alvarez.”

“I’m well aware. I saw you following his sobrina.”

“I’m not followin’ her,” he lied, “I’m followin’ her friend.”

“Either way, you’re awfully brave heading down into Mayan territory alone.”

“Pedro, lo dejó ir.” Her voice was a blessing. It gave Chibs a chance to find a way to escape.

“Ha estado siguiéndote todo este tiempo,” he said.

Chibs dropped his hands and turned around. Isa was standing behind them with her arms crossed. She looked sufficiently annoyed. “Lo sé. Le pedí que lo hiciera.”

Pedro shook his head and dropped his gun. “He stays here until you leave.”

She walked confidently towards him. “He can go wherever I damn well tell him to, Pedro. Now go inside before I have another conversation with Uncle Marcus.”

“Ten cuidado, princesa.”

She waited until he was out of earshot before she said something to Chibs. “I’m not going to tell my uncle anything. Go home.”

“Not gonna happen, mo leannan.”

She pushed him backwards. “Go home, Chibs!”

“Isa!” Marcus called to her from across the street. He drew his gun. “What is he doing here?”

“Ay dios mio. I had him follow me!”

“Why?”

“Why? Porque estás trabajando con el diablo.”

“So you hired SAMCRO?”

“Yes. I don’t trust your new partner, so I can’t ask one of our guys.”

He rubbed his hand across his face before looking at Chibs. “You realize if anything happens to her…”

“I know.” Chibs said.

Alvarez looked between his niece and the Scot. Anger and hatred welled in his eyes. “Diana has dinner ready, Isa, let’s go.”

“I’ll be right in, Tio.”

She turned back to Chibs. “Looks like you’re stuck here, now,” she smiled. “But when we get back to the rez, we are going to talk.”

“I’m countin’ down the hours, lass.” He said with a wink.

“Bleh.” she turned and headed back in.

Chibs watched her walk away. Despite the fact he was doing something they normally give to the Prospect, he was glad his tail was something sweet to look at. He grabbed his cellphone and sent Jax a text telling him that he followed her to Oakland to her uncle’s home and that he was stuck there until she left.

Her POV

She peered through the curtain to see him leaning against his bike, smoking. Wolf and her uncle were still sitting at the table, full from dinner. She had made him wait all afternoon while she spent time with her family. Her aunt came up from behind her and said softly, “Nunca he visto a Marcus tan molesto por SAMCRO.”

She turned to Diana. “Si lo supieras, tía.”

Wolf was leaning back smiling as he continued talking with Alvarez. It was like when she was younger and her parents would bring her over to Uncle Marcus and Aunt Diana’s home for holidays. They would allow her to bring Wolf so she had someone to talk to. None of her cousins were her age, so she had no one to play with or keep her occupied. Marcus was as much his uncle as he was hers. “He’s grown up quite nicely.” She turned back to the window. “But this one out here…” She looked back at her. “He’s not half bad either.”

Isa shook her head. “The Scot outside can go fuck himself.”

“Isa…”

“Don’t worry. I’d tell him that to his face, and as for Wolf…”

She rested her hand on her niece’s arm. “I’m only giving you a hard time. Come with me and help me fix dessert.”

Isa followed her aunt into the kitchen. “Your uncle tells me that you want to move back to Oakland.”

“I do,” she said as she poured another glass of wine. “I can’t live on the rez anymore. I love my family there, but I miss it here.”

Diana sighed. “I remember before your mother’s accident, she made me promise to her to watch over you. She wanted you out of this life and as far away from the Mayans and SAMCRO as you could get. If you moved back here, you’d only be in deeper.”

“It doesn’t matter where I live, this life will follow me. Literally. Have you noticed the biker sitting outside?”

She grabbed plates out of the cabinet. “Look at what has happened to your family. Your sister is gone; your brother is dead; and then there’s your parents. This life killed your parents. You are all that is left of Mateo and Aiyana.”

“I am not leaving this life until SAMCRO feels my pain,” she said.

“Isa, what are you planning?”

“I don’t know, yet, but I can’t rest until I’ve avenged my father.”

Diana shook her head. “Is that why he’s following you? They know you're up to something?”

“Why they're following me doesn't matter. They don't trust me because of who I'm related to.”

“They aren't following anyone else, so why you?”

Isa contemplated on telling her aunt their relationship with the Wahewa, but she knew if SAMCRO found out, they'd kill her. “I guess because I live too close to Charming for comfort.” She hated lying to her aunt, but it was something she had grown accustomed living this style of life.

“Please be careful. MCs are dangerous. If our crew finds out, this is going to put you right in the crossfire.”

“I can handle myself, Tia Diana.”

Diana handed her a plate of Tres Leches Cake. “Serve this to your uncle.”

Isa picked up another plate for Wolf. Her aunt handed her two extra plates when she came back into the kitchen. “I’m sure your tail is hungry.”

“I’m not taking him anything.”

“Es hora de hacer la paz con el pasado, Isa.”

“I will when the person responsible for my father’s death feels my pain.”

Diana sighed. “If you don’t take this to him, I will.”

Isa rolled her eyes and took the two plates outside. Chibs was sitting on the curb next to his bike, smoking a cigarette. “Oy, Cabrón, aquí esta su postre.”

He smiled and put out his light. “Thank ye, lass. I was getting a wee bit famished sittin’ out here.”

“Don’t start thinking I actually care about you. My aunt made me bring this to you.”

He grabbed the plate from her and began to dig in. She stood across from him and ate her dessert. “Finish the dessert and go back to the rez.”

“Look, Lass, I ken that ye aren’t gonna say anything, but you and I need to have a talk about yer da’.”

She stopped eating and glared at him. “No, we don’t.” She took the plate away from him and stormed back across the street. She found her aunt, uncle, and friend sitting around the table enjoying her uncle’s favorite dessert. “I think it’s time we head home, Wolf.”

He finished his last bite and took his plate into the kitchen. “Marcus, Diana, it’s always great seeing you two. Thanks again, for dinner!”

Diana hugged him and Isa. “I’m so happy you were able to come for dinner!”

“Te amo, Sobrina,” Marcus said from his chair.

“Te amo, Tio.”

His POV

They got back to the reservation after SAMCRO had left. Chibs parked his bike behind her car and leaned against the trunk. “Run along, Wolfie. Yer girl and I need to have a talk,” he said, shooing Wolf Tamer away.

“I’ll wait here with her.”

“Wolf, can you wait inside? I’ll holler if I need you.”

He shook his head. “I’ll sit on the porch, but I’m not going inside.”

“Fine.” She crossed her arms and turned to him. “Look, today is the only day I will cover for you in Oakland. I only did it because I wanted a peaceful day with my family.”

He smiled. “Still. Thank ye, Lass.” He adjusted against the truck and sighed. “We still need to talk about yer da’.”

She grew rigid. “The last thing I want to talk about with you is my father.”

He shook his head. He still had no information to give her, as Otto was still looking into it on his end, but he wanted to at least put the doubt in her mind. “SAMCRO didn’ kill yer da’.”

She looked up at him, anger welling in her eyes. The look cut through him, stinging every fiber in his body. “I have no reason to lie to ye,” he said “I just know we didn’ kill yer da’. We were in talks with him about a peace. We had lost too many, just like the Mayans did, but when Mateo died it sent us right back into the war with them. Someone framed us, Isa.”

She crossed her arms. “How do you know this?”

“I was there.”

“Then who killed him? Who carved the Anarchy ‘A’ into the middle of his chest and left him to bleed out on his bathroom floor?”

“I dinna ken, Lass. Tha’ I’m still trying to figure out for ye.”

“Or you’re trying to cover it up for your club.”

He shook his head and took a drag of his cigarette. “Just think about it, will ye? Why would our club kill yer da’ if we were tryin’ to make peace with ‘im?”

She looked over to Wolf who was watching them intently. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“Think about it. I’m sure I’ll see ye in a couple of weeks.”

“Great.” She quickly turned and stormed past Wolf with tears in her eyes.

Wolf looked between the two of them and glared at Chibs. “She might need some of yer comfort,” Chibs said motioning to the house.

“I get why my tribe trades with you, but you don’t need to be here.” He stood tall as he approached the Scot. “You aren’t going to follow her anymore; you aren’t going to come around her anymore; and you certainly aren’t going to talk to her about Mateo anymore.”

“Is tha’ right?” Chibs took a step towards him. “Well, maybe I intend to find out who really killed her da’ so she can ‘ave peace o’ mind. After which, I’ll kick yer red, Indian arse for even thinkin’ about tellin’ me what ta do.”

Wolf stared at him. “You think that because you’re some big, bad biker that you can walk over anyone. I’m not going to let you do that to Isa. She’s been through enough, and I swear if you don’t leave her alone, my red, Indian arse will be kicking your pale, Scottish one back to where it came from.”

Chibs smiled. “Oh, I’m sure ye will,” he said, “tell yer girl I’ll be in touch.”

He stared at the biker as he drove away, angry at the pain he was causing Isa. He knew she was in her room, staring at old pictures of Mateo and Aiyana with their three beautiful children. Wolf had been there through everything: her sister’s suicide, her brother’s overdose, and her parents’ deaths. Isadora had no one left, except aunts and uncles. She was completely and utterly alone, she felt, in her suffering, and there was nothing he could do to help her. All he felt he could do was keep her away from the Scottish prick that was tormenting her by digging up her past. Whether or not the Sons killed Mateo didn’t matter. Chibs was bringing up something that she didn’t want to think about.

As Chibs drove away, all he could think about was the look on her face. Doubt. It was there. She knew the Sons didn’t kill her father, but they were the closest Mayan enemy she could think of to blame them. He didn’t know why it bothered him, but he didn’t want her to think of him as a cold-blooded murderer. He wanted her to see his club and him in a better light, and he was going to make damn sure she did.

[zhe-lazy-fox]

Rules: Answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by: @madi-starlight

Tagging: anyone who wants to do it :) (Still have horrible internet so i can’t tag folks)

the last

1.drink: Milk

2.phone call: My aunt

3.text message: my little sister (thru mom’s phone)

4.song you listened to: Bronski Beat- SmallTown Boy

5.time you cried: about 2 weeks ago, was about my summer job. (before i quit)

6.dated someone twice: I can’t remember so idk if i have, but i will go wiht a no.

7.kissed someone and regretted it: Don’t remember if i have kissed anyone so i can’t say XD

8.been cheated on: No idea... (You’re looking at someone who is very much not into dating and relationships...)

9.lost someone special: Not yet....

10. been depressed: Uhhhhhhhhhhh... all year round, it goes in ups and downs

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Alcohol is bleh, so nope.

3 favourite colours

12. Green (all hues)

13. Purple

14. Blues

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: Maybe... idk

16. fallen out of love: What is love??? (baybe don’t hurt me~)

17. laughed until you cried: now and again, don’t remember what the last time was about

18. found out someone was talking about you: it depends...

19. met someone who changed you: My bff :D

20. found out who your friends are: Yes

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: ... i don’t think so...

General:

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most of my Fb friends are my relatives, other than that, yes. XD

23. do you have any pets: 2 Bunnies and an aquarium of fishes

24. do you want to change your name: No, i like my name

25. what did you do for your last birthday: Uhh... i don’t remember what i did last year, don’t ask me stuff like this! X’D

26. what time did you wake up: 9 am somehting

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: i was suprisingly asleep

28. name something you can’t wait for: Voltron season 3 and 4 (I’m gonna die) and to start at my universety

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: earlier today, right now she’s fixing planks for grandma’s barn so the old moldy ones can get changed and painted :)

31. what are you listening to right now: all the music i’ve downloaded from youtube on my USB

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I might have, i’m very abd with names.

33. something that is getting on your nerves: People who won’t accept they’re wrong and put things out of prespective to become the victim or the one who has it the worst. The voltorn fandom...

34. most visited website: YouTube, Tumblr, DA, AO3.

35. hair color: dark blond

36. long or short hair: I need a haircut, it’s to long for my liking.

37. do you have a crush on someone: no

38. what do you like about yourself: My eyes, My oneliners XD, my sarcasm, my imagination, and my crafty hands.

39. piercings: Nope.

40. blood type: Uhhhh... i should probbalby know this, but i don’t

41. nickname: My name is so short so there’s no need to make a nickname of it, even if i have some. Al, Sanji (no idea why i got it) and Moon Moon 

42. relationship status: Single and not looking

43. zodiac: Scorpio

44. pronouns: She/her (i’m pretty chill about it)

45. favourite tv show: Voltron, Midsommer Murders, One Piece, Haikyuu!!, Hawaii Five-O, Thunderbirds are go.

46. tattoos: None

47. right or left handed: Right

48. surgery: I fell from a tree when i was little and got a broken branch in my arm near my armpit... 

50. sport: I have played Tennis and done some Riding, not anymore tho

51. vacation: Northen Germany, Norway, Danmark and a road in Finland... 

52. pair of trainers: Uh? i don’t know, they’re comfy and fit my feet, all that matters.

MORE GENERAL

53. eating: Ice cubes... we havn’t had dinner yet...

54. drinking: does Ice cubes counts as water?

55. I’m about to: Write on a Voltron thing i’m working on for Halloween -w-

56. waiting for: Don’t know... dinner?

57. want: the fiber to come her sooner than around christmas.

58. get married: Noooooooo.... idk tbh

59. career: Illustrator and writer :)

WHICH IS BETTER:

60. hugs or kisses: Hugs!

61. lips or eyes: Eyes

62. shorter or taller: I don’t know...

63. older or younger: No idea...

64. nice arms or nice stomach: who cares?

65. hookup or relationship: FRIENDSHIP!

66. troublemaker or hesitant: I don’t even know.

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: Nope

68. drank hard liquor: I think i’ve tasted soemthing my dad’s friends bought at a restaurant, but it taste dry adn to much so it was bleh.

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: Glasses: nope, one pair i know where they are. contact lenses. what counts as loosing them? I’ve dropped one but was in school so i had to survive with only one... no wait i think i removed it and survived wiht my poor eyesight XD

70. turned someone down: I don’t know... maybe?

71. sex on the first date: HELL NO! Couddles and Hugs in pj’s thank you!

73. had your heart broken: Don’t think so

74. been arrested: No

75. cried when someone died: In real life no. For fiction Y-E-S (Glares at BH6).

76. fallen for a friend: No.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: depends on what i have to belive in... I do not trust myself wiht Math for example XD

78. miracles: *shrugs* maybe?

79. love at first sight: idk

80. santa claus: Nah

81. kiss on the first date: ...not a dater here!

82. angels: Nah

OTHER:

84. eye colour: depends on the light, Blue-green greyish... idk XD

85. favourite movie: Why?! I can’t choose!

[worldrecordswmuc-blog]

This week, we chose to highlight a curious cassette collection that was compiled by a Fulbright scholar during his time in Ghana. He discovered a range of tunes and artists that did not seem accessible outside of West Africa, and he decided to showcase these out-of-print cassettes on a blog. This project later grew into its own record label, which allows the artists to receive 50% of the profits from their albums while touring due to their newfound exposure. 

The tapes range in time, style, and country of origin, but we have yet to find an artist who did not wow us in some way. The instrumentation and relatively unknown sounds of the kora and the krar add a fresh twist to the catchy rhythms and grooves, while the mix of languages and singing styles conveys sorrow, longing, and joy without a need to understand the lyrics. We are so excited to highlight such amazing, obscure music that has now found its platform through the record label, and it may even inspire us to look for music in our surroundings through less typical means.

Listen on Mixcloud!

Check out the playlist on Spotify!

West Africa Playlist – 02/11/19

1. Boubacar Traoré - Diarabi 

The brassy finger picking signals a somber tune from the beginning, but I was not prepared for the sadness that seemed to pour from the vocals in lamenting cries for God. (This is either in Arabic or maybe Amharic or something - I can understand parts)

2. Dur-Dur Band - Tajir Was Ilaah 

Funky guitar riffs and drums offer a dynamic base for the high and rolling vocals of the singer. Inexplicable discos scene in a spy movie. This Somali group is sure to make you dance, but there is a subdued quality about the mixing that makes it more familiar, as if you are hearing the song from a car outside your window and feel the urge to groove to it.

3. Ata Kak - Daa Nyinaa 

Another groovy measure until the vocals spin a trance-like rhythm that transitions into bright belting. Backing vocals ground the song as the Ghanaian singer raps in a way that sounds like he has turned his words into complementing percussion. "According to my friend, the lyrics are in Twi, which is a language commonly used in Ghana. They are about loving someone so much that you can’t eat, sleep or do anything. If he gets her it will be sunshine and rain (which is a good thing in Africa) and he will sleep with her every day (daa nyinaa).

4. Umoja - Special Night

Driving in the city on a warm summer night, you feel the easy groove of this tune blaring from your friends radio, unironic orchestra hits and all.  

5. Hailu Mergia - Shilela

I am imagining that I am drifting lazily on a boat at sunset, having spent the day contently lazing on the beach. I know I am going to dinner soon with loved ones, and I hear the distant trumpets at the restaurant as they call me to shore.

6. Sourakata Koité - Ha-Madi

Entrancing string tune that reveals the serious mastery of Koité as he walks you through a field of tall grasses blowing in the wind. You notice every individual movement, see every leaf shudder in its own time, feeling perfectly one with your surroundings.

7. Asnaketch Worku - Sak Bleh Askegn

A meandering vine leads us to a tree of ripe fruit in the voice of Asnaketch Worku, with the crackling record quality of the track conveying a timelessness. It is almost eerie at parts with the chaotic rhythm that draws you into the shadows of her tune.

8. Jess Sah Bi & Peter One - Clipo Clipo 

This is one of the most relaxing tracks on our list, and it clearly shows the immense impact African rhythms and tune on American artists like Paul Simon and Ezra Koenig. This Ivory Coast act creates a sound atmosphere that puts the listener at ease.

Extras to Listen to:

1. Bola - Abayetidu Ma

2. Nahawa Doumbia - Kungo Sogoni

3. Awa Poulo - Poulo Hoto Ngari

4. Shichangani - Shaka Bundu

5. Om Alec Khaoli - Enjoy It

6. Boncana Maïga - Koyma Hondo

[bestillmybeefyheart]

Bike ride is done. Sam has no more meds to take so Im just going to give him some pumpkin and yogurt alone tonight. He got some of his dry this morning and it made him sick since he's been on the soft stuff for a week and a half since his surgery. I hope I taperd him well. He was only on the synth opiates for a week and a few days but I still started the taper from 4 to 3 to 2 and then ran out over several days just in case. I'll ask Wed when they do the checkup, remove the stitches (or staples) and cone. I was told they may have me keep the cone and put it on him when I am not home so he doenst try to mess w his surgery spot. Good luck getting that back on him. Let's see what else. Still hasn't rained, it was going to an hour ago. Now the app says right now there's a 60% chance of light rain the next two hours, no rain yet. As long as I have power, bring it. Just no tornados. It's almost dinner time for me. I think I'm going to cut up some of the chicken I got (precooked unseasoned) and put it into one of the soups I have and eat some of that sourdough like mini baguette bread with it. I had one of those this morning like toast for breakfast, no lunch just juice, so I need something substantial in me for dinner. Not sure what to do now. TV most likely... and put more shea butter in my damn nose. This allergy thing is becoming annoying. It started as a runny nose after the first rains, then my main nose got dry to a point of bleeding. And hasnt stopped since. I shower and breathe in the steam and then its moist, 10 mins later bone dry again. ABout ready to fill both nostrils with shea butter and breathe through my mouth at this point. It feels like a Sunday but its a Monday. I wish it was a Friday. And I wish I was rich. Besides that, bleh. Overcast days suck. Now if you will excuse me, I have a nose to shea and some Natch to view while eating soup.

[angelfaceloublog-blog]

13th February

After seeing Jack Whitehall last night, who was absolutely amazing coming home was not the best. Although without Imogen remaining in London and away from home would not have been so amazing. Was so nice to have had a day with Jason having fun and literally not worrying about a thing. Driving down rather than messing around getting the train was definitely a good idea to. 

Had to go to therapy with Anne today as decided to skip it Friday as just do not feel am making any progress what so ever in terms of my eating disorder. Literally every day is binge purge. Yes great I now have my waking weight, at least for the last couple of weeks, at just below, literally just below, nine stone but should that really be what I am aiming for in life? What I see in the mirror should not be that important. I should not care what others think of me. I should be able to ignore or retrain that part of me that sees something hideous, something that others see and feel repulsed. I can’t really do much about what I have been given but I wish my mind would let me give it some respect.

I get so tearful, emotional and overwhelmed when I think about the impact I may be and probably am having on Imogen. What kind of good parent does that to a child? I like to think I am a good parent, I know I am in a number of ways as I have the most amazing daughter who is so perfect in so many ways. BUT what if everything she experiences because of my damn mental health is slowly having a detrimental affect on her. What if she is seeing everything I do to myself and thinking that in some way this behaviour and repeat occurrences are OK? 

Addressed in therapy today and I guess is a main homework, other than my binge purging,  is my self harm to my arms through scratching or letting thedog at them. Feel rather repulsed when I think about what I do but in the same breath rather accomplished and satisfied. I can’t describe why I have this satisfaction. I see the blood that I can tear out from where the cuts are healing and want to get more, want to open the wounds up further, make them bigger so more comes out. See what damage I can make occur, see how big they can become, see how much I can make them fill with pus like stuff under the scab so the scab is soft and I can burst it and inside congratulate myself a little. My mind is evidently twisted. 

I then reflect back on yesterday and the fact yes I didn’t take my insulin I didn’t binge. The first day in blooming ages I did not binge. But was this because I was also drinking cocktails in the day and had a nap (probably due to high blood sugar following 2 Long Island Iced Teas and lunch). Was it the alcohol that stopped me feeling the need to find a way out of Jason’s company to binge? 

Did probably the worst thing I could and googled Long Island Iced Teas. Turns out yes they are one of the most alcoholic cocktails available *yay* but also extremely high in calories. Hmmmm didn’t figure that. Feel disgusted in myself now for enjoying them so much. For goodness sake I had 2 with lunch and a bloody large one after dinner. Not sure why haven’t done the working before. Bearing in mind I can probably drink one regardless of size at the same speed as a normal vodka and diet coke which has around 60 calories, a Long Island Iced Tea has I think 4 types of alcohol and if those are around 60 each that is already 240 then I know I have diet coke and there is a lime wedge, supposedly, well on all the recipes I saw, there is other liquid that I think is rather high in sugar that is never mentioned in the cocktail menu. Most websites advised one cocktail was around 700 calories. Like WTF that is like a dinner, and although I know some of the salads I get in restaurants these days are definitely over this, that is a scary sounding number of calories for dinner yet I had atleast 3 standard size ones yesterday. With the size of them though I would probably think at least 4 of the so called standard size if not more. 

Pilates practice this evening was also disappointing. Ruth is off for the week and so classes being covered by a cover teacher called Flavia. Lovely lady but Ruth as a STOTT pilates instructor is really good at queuing the breath so I know I am engaging the muscles at the best time for each movement and although I know my shoulders get tight, I feel it and at the end of the workout I feel good. This wasn’t the case today, I felt let down. The breathing I found unable to regulate in the exercises I wasn’t really familiar with. I was able to try the more tricky versions of each exercise but then was not sure when and where I was really meant to feel the engagement most. I tried to maintain the rule of exhale when moving but then in some moves there were a number of movements. Frustrating. Then also I have a thing about wording. Flavia uses the word Child Pose rather than Shell Stretch which makes me think she is more used to Yoga. She called what Ruth calls the Hip Roll, a Shoulder Stretch. When we do Shoulder stretch the pelvis is lifted straight from the floor to the diagonal, whereas the Hip Roll comes up to diagonal through unrolling every vertebrae in the spine. The class felt it had less work in it with not as much direction to ensure I was working correctly. Maybe Ruth is just an exception to a standard Pilates instructor and I just have to accept that? I am also going to try out a Pilates class at Dunstable Leisure centre on a day I do not have a class with Ruth or on a Tuesday morning perhaps when I don’t have a class until the evening with Ruth. I love how it makes me feel and am so glad I came across Ruth’s classes. 

Looking forward to tomorrow, Kidstime children’s activity day in Flitwick (Street dancing and African drumming). Really hoping Imogen is able to engage and enjoy it. Am worried she will not want to take part in the dancing but have tried to emphasise it will be fun, it will most likely be a variety of activities to create a dance rather than a hardcore dance class. I offered to pick up Helen, Beth and Alex from Leighton Buzzard as I know she doesn’t drive, so will be nice if Imogen is able to begin the day with a bit of bonding with the girls making her more comfortable to join in the activities. Am really hoping Laura has been able to arrange transport as she is alright to chat to and will pass the day. I know she also gets on with Helen. Charlie would be good to have for the day also. Hoping Shelley and her children have decided to stop coming. So glad I made a comment on my form about their disruptive behaviour as Carly then spoke with Shelley at the end of the last Kidstime to pick up the fact her youngest 3 or is it 4 just do not seem to want to be their. They annoy the hell out of me as even when we were talking about rules and respecting others etc they just ignore it, they do not seem to see  that everyone else is behaving in a totally different manner. I was shocked when I realised Imogen was the same age as one. 

Now I am sat here not even writing on the 13th but at 3:15 on the 14th as if I wrote the above before bed yesterday. Guess until its actually getting up time this morning I can validate this being an entry for the 13th. Am wide awake and only got up to pee. Washing machine has just finished a whole cycle, one benefit of being awake, so I can take everything out. Yay more stuff to add to my growing ironing pile. Wonder if I can get away with emptying the tumble dryer upstairs and putting on the items that I will take from the washing machine. Know there are towels and our bedding, probably some underwear that can be tumbled to. Or would that be dancing with the devil and potentially waking Jason up? 

I’m concerned now though that when I go back to bed and doze off that when my alarm goes off in a few hours, I am just going to be zonked, if that word can make sense). However, I am looking forward to breakfast, not because I am desperately hungry but just because I enjoy it and missed having it at the Premier Inn. If I had been on my own it would have been so easy to demolish so much at breakfast, cooked and continental. Would probably have stuck a purge in there and carried  on. Just make sure I took in enough liquid wile eating to make it nice and easy to bring enough up to mean it was OK to take more in. Would have had a full full English, rather than being worried about taking too much and being concerned in myself about how much I was taking. I would like to try the pancakes toasted, not really with syrup but butter and Jam. I’d also like the crumpets OMG could just load a plate high. The pastries don’t really bother me, neither do the muffins or most of the cereal. The Granola I love but would have it with loads of milk rather than just enough. I hate this food obsession. I hate what I do with it. I hate that I love food. I like the flavours, the textures, the different combinations when put together. I get that feeling I am missing out unless I try everything, but ‘normal eaters’ do not have this silly compulsion. They make a decision as to what they are having, get it and eat it. If they are away at a hotel or on holiday, yes their choices may differ from their usual choice, but it is a one off and is not needing to have everything. 

Bleh, think I have so much stuff swirling in my head but now am at the point whereby nothing can be articulated,I know I need to go back upstairs, I know I need to take the washing from the machine but really can’t be bothered to do it. I will but moving from the seated position I am in seems like a mammoth task. Quite happy with the comfy seated paralysis I kind of imagine I am in. Not moving anything other than my hands to type. My arms are even remaining balanced in one place on the edge of the laptop and I am feeling rather proud that alot of my typing is being done without the need to look at the keyboard. It must be so satisfying for authors to see their work in words being transcribed onto the screen in front of them. Brings a satisfaction that what is in the mind is being recorded and can be looked back through. For a novel or non-fiction book this is obviously 100% required. This journal, not so much, but knowing it is here to reflect back on is a positive in my mind. Just need to get into the hang of writing every day. Will or would help me alot in therapy as would actually remember days. Don’t really want to spurt on about eating behaviours but they are a key point in my therapy and journey I want to make to recovery so guessing they will have to have some input to entries. Maybe it will help me work out my thinking patterns that lead me to binge daily? Maybe then I will be able to make progress. Save my life and stop cutting the length of my life. I so much want to be OK, be healthy, have energy, have concentration, have the ability to be a proper adult, parent, employee, daughter, auntie etc etc. I want to one day and one day soon to own a property decorate and renovate the property so it is beautiful and full of good quality items rather than the thrown together crappy collection of furniture we have here. Like what Aileen and Dean have been able to do. Maybe one day these dreams, which are not ridiculous and too adventurous, will hopefully come true. 

Night Night xx 

[suckitsurveys]

Who was your childhood crush? Ash Ketchum. I’m not even close to joking.

Do you like Red Bull? Not really.

Do you drink regular or diet sodas? When I do drink soda, rregular. Diet sodas are made of the blood of the devil himself.

Would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? Hot.

What are you doing tomorrow? I have no idea. HOPEFULLY FUCKING SEEING THIS OTHER APARTMENT SO WE CAN MAKE A DECISION.

Are you over the age of 21? Yup.

Would you rather date a girl/guy with a British accent or an Irish accent? Doesn’t matter.

Where is the biggest scar on your body? I don’t really have one.

Are you trying to avoid something by filling surveys out? Work.

Have you ever had fake nails? Yeah, once, for my sister’s first wedding.

Do you say the “f” word a lot? Fuck yeah.

Has someone seen you naked in the past month? Try the past day.

Does everyone deserve a second chance? Probably not.

How many concerts have you been to? A handful.

When is the last time you wore a dress? Sometime in the summer I believe.

Do you believe in karma? Sure.

How many days until your next birthday? It’s 8 months away.

What are your plans for this weekend? Momma’s bday is on Saturday so we are going to do our annual tradition of releasing a balloon for her, and then Mark and I will probably get dinner.

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? When Mark does it,

What’s irritating you right now? The fact that I’ve emailed/contacted 5 different people about seeing this apartment and 2 have gotten back to me but then stopped emailing me so we haven’t actually set a time to see this place.

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life? My mother.

Do you get distracted easily? Yes.

Is this year the best year of your life? Yikes.

Do you have a best friend? Yes.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Anyone can get their tongues pierced, wtf?

Last thing you drank? Yikes I just realized I haven’t made tea yet brb.

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Obviously.

Would you marry for money? No.

Have you had braces? No.

You sleep more on your back, front,or sides? Sides and tummy.

Do you get along with your parents? Yes.

Have you ever had a birthday party? Of course I have.

What should you be doing right now? I’m supposed to be doing work, which I kind of am, but rewarding myself every 10 ish minutes by answering a few questions in this survey.

How do you feel about your life right now? Yikes.

How’s this week been? Yikes.

What happened at 11:30 am today? It’s not even 10 yet.

How did you feel when you woke up today? Kinda weird.

Kiss on the first date? Sure.

Would you ever donate blood? Sure. It’s not something I’d go out of my way to do, but if the opportunity presented itself.

Have you ever driven without a license? Yeah.

What time did you go to sleep last night? 11 ish.

Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing now? From a campus gear store.

Did you sing at all today? I may have

When’s the last time you cried? Two days ago.

Do you believe in love? Yeah, of course.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Yeah. This time last year we were looking at rings. :)

Two days from now this time, where will you be? Hopefully sleeping since it’s Saturday but I just remembered I should probably come into work for some overtime.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yup.

Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone? ^ Yo.

Do you get butterflies around the person you like? DON’T NEED NO BUTTERFLIES WHEN YOU GIVE ME THE WHOLE DAMN ZOO.

Who was the first person you talked to today? Mark.

Do you smoke weed everyday? Nope.

Could you go a month without cursing? Fuck that.

Have you ever ridden a horse? Yes.

You can take one friend on vacation with you, who? Mark.

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it? That’s boring.

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap? Yeah.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year? I mean, yeah? I was less engaged but that’s about it really. Oh and my hair’s longer.

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn’t? Eh.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? When my mother died.

Who are your favorite people to talk to when you’re down? My boyfriend and friends.

Does the person you like, like you back? Word.

When’s the last time you talked with the opposite gender on the phone? Who? Some guy who called the office.

Do you think you are a good person? Sure.

What did you do today? Work work work work work work fdjfkdhskjfhdshljkfds work work work work work work.

What will you be doing in 3 hours? I’ll still be here but it will be closer to quittin’ time.

Do you miss the way things used to be? Bleh.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past three months? Yes.

Does anyone call you baby? Mark does.

Are you a patient person? Sometimes. Usually.

What were you doing this morning at 8AM? Working. I was probably still doing this survey actually haha.

Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn’t? Eh.

Do you believe ex’s can be friends? Sure. I don’t care to be.

What is the last thing you said out loud? I don‘t remember.

Are you ticklish? Yes.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Probably?

Do you like to text or call more? Text.

Do you have any kids? Definitely not.

What are you wearing right now? Jeans and a hoodie. The usual.

How was your day? It’s not terrible. I’m very sleepy though and don’t want to babysit tonight but I also want to see my niece.

What color are your eyes? Green.

What are you listening to? Coworkers.

How are your grades? I’m not in school anymore.

Do you like sports? I was raised in a sports family, so I do. I don’t follow them as closely as super fans do, but baseballs means a lot to my family so I pay attention to that.

[beckypatterson1]

What can you STOP doing to reach your goal?

I want to share a secret with you. 

Every year since 2015...

I’ve resolved NOT to do something.

While everyone else is resolving to lose weight, start working out, read books...

I eliminate.

Here’s why (and how it works for me)

#1 I’m GREAT at quitting

I do it all. You could say I’m a pro.

Might as well use my strengths to my advantage! ;)

It is easier for me to STOP doing something than it is for me to start something up.

For example, it was easier for me to quit drinking wine with dinner than it was for me to start and continue going to boot camp three times a week at 6am.

Sure I missed having a drink, but not buying wine (or pouring myself a glass) was much easier to implement and do than go to the gym.

I also got the same results: I lost the last 3 stubborn pounds and saw less puffiness in my face and midsection.

I also had the BONUS UPSIDE of being more rested, not only because I got to sleep in later but because I wasn’t hungover and bleh from bad sleep and wine the night before.

Similarly, it was a lot easier for me to resolve that I’d stop reading emails, texts, and blog posts after I’d sent or published them… vs. coming up with a way to to get more things done at work.

BONUS UPSIDE: This practice helped curb my crippling habit of overthinking and obsessively analyzing.

I’d been ‘trying’ not to “overthink” and to stop “second-guessing” myself for years, recognizing it was an energy waste AND that as a strong, independent, educated woman I should have more self-confidence…

Yet no amount of self-help books and inspiring internet memes seemed to be IMPROVING that little problem for me, but this… the not re-reading thing? WORKED.

I found myself with more time, more mental energy, improved productivity overall, and a general growing confidence in myself!

Trust is something that builds slowly (and is hard to measure) but now that it’s been 4 (?) years since that resolution, I can see, very clearly, how much more trusting, confident and SECURE I am with my communications.

That practice (not re-reading) was also a testament for me that sometimes you just need to cut the monster off at the head.

THE BEST RESOLUTION YET.

This year (2018) I resolved to stop JADE’ing and it’s been r-e-v-o-l-u-t-i-o-n-a-r-y

JADE = Justify, Defend, Argue, or Explain.

I do not JADE.

I do not justify, argue, defend, or explain myself.

I maintain a power position instead.

I’ve talked a lot about this on Instagram and also in this blog post. Quickly, I’ve stopped justifying, explaining, arguing, or defending myself to others (especially preemptively!) and to myself.

Here are a few responses I use:

“I don’t need to justify that” “I am not going to argue with you.” “I do not need to defend my belief. It’s okay that we disagree.”

For the first 6 months, I was surprised to see I did the JADE thing to MYSELF a lot. I was justifying eating cookies, or not going to yoga so I could sleep longer, or leaving work early.

Following my “No JADE” resolution, I stopped justifying and arguing with myself.

Interestingly, soon after I noticed other people stopped trying to get me to do it too. I had reclaimed a position of power.

I also found when I stopped justifying and arguing with myself, I had a lot less shame and guilty feelings. In other words, I simultaneously lost the need to “defend” myself TO MYSELF.

A quick point of clarity: I may still need to “educate” (offer a clarification or fact to an honest inquiry) or apologize (I find an apology is best served without JADE!) but justifying, explaining, arguing, or otherwise trying to get someone to “see the light” is no longer a job I keep applying for.

The freedom, energy, time, mental space, and POWER this simple practice can give you is astonishing and it may be my FAVORITE resolution yet :)

What is one thing you can STOP doing to reach your goal?

Another example: I wanted to spend less money, especially “Shopping.”

In the past, I resolved to “create and stick to a budget” (it didn’t work). I even tried creating rules like “I won’t buy coffee, only make it!” (also didn’t work)

You know what DID work? Unsubscribing from all retail emails (i.e. Target, Express, Kohls, Amazon, Nordstrom, Payless, Wayfair, Michaels, REI, etc).

I was hesitant to worry I’d miss out on a sale, but I’ve learned two things:

#1, I save so much not being on their lists (impulsive shopping is the devil) that it’s okay if I pay full price

#2 I still never pay full price because I always find a coupon code.

Here’s another rad example that’ll blow your mind. My friend Emily wanted to “eat healthier” (this was her 2018 resolution).

Emily considered using my meal planning App, but was hesitant because she wasn’t vegan/plant-based.

I didn’t argue with her ;) I kept listening instead.

She listed all the things she considered… meal delivery like Plated or Blue Apron (“They’re too expensive for me”) taking a cooking class (“I don’t really want to waste my weekend at school”), buying cookbooks (“It seems like even more work to do all that planning yourself. Shopping list? Ugh”) and so on.

I asked Emily what it was that she was eating now that’s NOT healthy.

“Everything,” she told me.

I didn’t believe that but… you know, I resolved not to argue ;)

Instead I said, “Okay Em, then what is the least healthy thing you eat regularly?”

Her answer was glazed doughnuts. She told me she didn’t eat them every day, but on the days she stopped for coffee, she bought one. (They’re smartly placed behind the cashiers so you can’t help but see them).

A million “solutions” ran through my head:

Make coffee at home

Resolve to “give up” doughnuts

Make Overnight Oats for the week

Order Oatmeal instead

Except I knew Emily was already TRYING to do those things. I also knew from my own experiences that tacking MORE on wasn’t the solution. I wondered what Emily could “quit.”

Then it hit me. “What if you quit going into the coffee place? What if you just do the drive-through?”

Emily explained she had gone in because it was faster. She’d sit in the drive-through longer. I asked if she could “work” while waiting in her car and she said yes, she could do her emails or make some calls.

That was it. That was the solution. Emily stopped going into the place and guess what? She stopped eating so many doughnuts, which made her feel good about herself, and when you feel good about yourself, you tend to eat better and make better choices, and so on. Emily didn’t have to DO MORE, she just had to do 1 thing less.

ABILITY trumps motivation

Most of us are already too busy.

Asking more of yourself is HARD.

Success has to be possible.

Less has to be more.

With all of my private clients, this one sentence rings true the most:

“SUBTRACT a bad habit to subtract pounds.”

Most of my clients thought they weren’t working hard enough or that in order to lose weight, they needed to be “perfect.”

It makes me so happy to show them the opposite is true.

That they don’t need to cook everything from scratch, obsessively read labels, count calories, hire a personal trainer, or stop watching Netflix. Those could be solutions, but most often they just need to stop doing a few things like drinking beer most nights or buying ice cream every week.

Sometimes they have to first investigate WHY they are doing those things before they can stop doing them.

For example, sometimes they need to find a new hobby like knitting or writing poems or building bird houses so that food and dieting isn’t their hobby. Almost all of them need to give themselves pleasure--taking baths, having alone time, being sweet to themselves, etc EVERY DAY so that they don’t turn to food for pleasure. (I talk more on this in the Feeding the Soul Without Food workshop if you want to learn more).

To close out this post I want to say that my elimination-resolutions stuck.

I’m not saying there weren’t slip-ups occasionally, but my “success” has been consistent and for YEARS. I’ve had zero success with other types of “goals” and “resolutions” where I’m tasking myself with more chores.

I suppose the one exception was when I resolved to read a book a week, although that was as a plan to STOP working so much (and that worked!) Another example of cutting the monster’s head off ;)

Bottom line: I always manage to accomplish my “goals” (lose weight, save money, get organized, enjoy life more) but NOT doing something.

WITHOUT adding anything else to my life or to-do list. Plus it’s nice not to have the added pressure to do something else, or feel disappointed when I can’t do it.

Don’t make your life harder.

Make it EASIER.

What is one thing you can STOP doing to reach your goal?

from Recipes Blog https://happyherbivore.com/2018/12/what-can-you-stop-doing-reach-your-goal/

[mrazfellandco]

hi there! first off, so sorry for the last few days, i didn’t forget about you, i just am terrible with time management lol! anyway, your secret santa has returned, so sorry for missing the last few days :) but yes, CM is going to be so great to not only prove to hollywood (yet again) that WOMEN CAN LEAD THEIR OWN FILMS. it’s going to be SO good and start so many good conversations, i can’t wait. marvel killed us all with IW, i definitely wouldn’t put it past (part 1 of 3) -SS

them to kill both tony and steve tbh, i totally see them pulling that on us. i haven’t read *too* many comics, but i’ve read a few of them and i’ve enjoyed them! i don’t have any recommendations, but there’s a ton of free comics online that you could always check out, see if you’ve changed or not. i know i’m your secret santa, but do you celebrate christmas, or what kind of winter/holiday traditions do you and your family do? & how’s the weather there? -SS (i said there would be 3 parts, i lied) 

don’t worry about it! it’s fine honestly, i know how hectic the christmas period can get askfhjksdf. 

i do celebrate christmas! i was raised a christian (although i’m athiest now) and my parents are christian so i can’t really not celebrate it. i have a ton of christmas traditions and i can’t wait for them to start! although i am athiest i still go church for christingle (is that how you spell it? idk), christmas eve crib service and christmas day. i have a lot of friends in my local church since i’ve been going there since i was little so it will be nice to see them all. on christmas eve (my favourite of my christmas traditions!) after we come home from the crib service we eat hot pork sandwiches and watch the polar express before we go to bed. on christmas day after church i either go to my grandparents or my aunt’s house or my family come to ours (this year we’re all going to my aunt’s house) for christmas dinner and just to spend time with everyone. i don’t have a particularly large family but there’ll be 10 of us together on christmas day which i’m looking forward too! 

it’s not really a christmas tradition, but a winter one i suppose, on new years eve my best friend and her family (who my whole family are super super close with) come round to ours and we order chinese takeaway and we play loads of board games and just celebrate together. since i’ve been away at uni i haven’t really seen my best friend that much so it will be so nice to spend time with her! and her family of course, although her sister can’t make it this year. 

the weather here is just cold. it’s england so it’s just bleh most the time anyway, but around now it’s frost-in-the-morning-but-melts-by-midday cold. we occasionally get snow but only usually during the new year (this year it was march we got snow i think? it was relatively late in the year) 

do you have any traditions? 

[opepin]

july: week two

10: my body was so sore when i woke up. i was also just so tired and a bit sad. :/ kevin went to work and i slowly started doing work. i did some personal errands and organization but then got into uploading all of the new videos and notifying sultan and phil. i knew i wasn’t feeling too good so i skipped working out today and i didn’t even wear my fitbit because i’ve been so frustrated with my decline in my fitness health so i took a break. i watched some ff-x and then showered before kevin got back home. we ordered fat cat for dinner because i was already hungry at like 6 pm. i ordered their twin filet medallions with fingerling potatoes and asparagus. kevin got their lobster mac. we picked it up and then went back home to eat. my meal was delicious. their bernaise butter is sooo goood. the potatoes and asparagus didn’t look too appealing but they were yummy as well. kevin’s mac didn’t have a lot of cheese in it so i ate a bit too. we food coma’d right into hollow knight and decided not to go grocery shopping until tomorrow.

i just watched kevin play for the rest of the night. i got really snack-y so i ate the rest of the mochi ice cream and two chicken tenders at like 10 pm :/ idk what’s wrong with my body. it’s so out of whack. before sleeping, i did my pt stretches and iced my feet and massaged my legs. my quads, shins, and calves are super sore for some reason. i guess i really shouldn’t wear flats for an extended period of time anymore along with drinking too much. x_x; my body, ugh. kevin i stayed up until like 2 or 3 am. we’re the type of people who definitely need alone time to unwind and couple time to readjust after weekend trips like this one and seeing friends and family again. i don’t know when i’ll get out of this slump. i just feel so lost, uncreative, and uninspired really...

11: my legs were still sore but i planned to work out anyway. i need to get back on my grind or at least ease back into it a bit. we had soup dumplings and zong zi for breakfast. then kevin left for work and i went to look at what i should do for work. i still have a bit more to do but other than that, i will have to catch up with phil tomorrow. it’s rainy for the rest of the week so idk how i will be feeling. i know i need to kick myself in the ass and push myself but i’m just bleh. well, i started finishing up my project and then put chicken in to bake. i ate two thighs because i didn’t make rice LOL and also steamed veggies. mmm. after work, i watched some ff-x and did 30 minutes of intense cardio with jumping. my feet just feel a little stiff but i think i can do jumps again :) ! i made rice right before kevin came back and then we went grocery shopping. it was a quick run. we got back home and unpacked and then ate dinner. i put in more thighs to bake for tomorrow but i ate leftover food for dinner instead. kevin ate a chicken thigh, veggies, and some instant noodles for dinner. 

we looked up where to find a chase bank and at this point, we’re just gonna exchange in stockholm because the only bank closest to MA is in connecticut or new york... kevin went to play dota after digesting. i went to do 30 minutes of abs. i also did laundry kinda late today so i had to wait for our towels to dry until i could shower...which was at like 12 am. i also decided to get off facebook and now i’m looking into just being on instagram solely, but i still have bad feelings about it. hmmm. i was really tired when i was done showering and folding clothes. i went to sleep right away and kevin stayed up playing pubg with peter.

12: every time i wake up and then go back to sleep, i always have weird dreams. hmm. i got up and then ate breakfast and sent kevin off to work. then i tidied up the last bits and pieces of my project while watching some ff-x. today i feel better about myself. i’m trying to get back on track with doing 30 minutes of cardio in the morning and 30 of strength in the afternoon, but it’s weird with working from home and all of that. i’ll figure it out! i feel better than yesterday for sure. i did a bit more work while watching ‘world of dance’ and then after work, i went right into cardio and then took a 10 minute break before i went into doing back workouts. i’ll need to split these up more (morning and evening) but i’m getting there! i showered after my workout and then read my botm in bed until kevin came back from climbing. i also got hungry so i ate english muffins with peanut butter and a chicken tender LOL. i was surprisingly full after a while. then i prepped the ingredients for thai basil beef bowls, mmmm. i ate a bit of that for “real” dinner and then i continued reading for the rest of the night. i iced my feet while finishing up the book, which turned out to be really interesting! i also managed to do my stretches right before sleeping. kevin and i ended up staying up until 1 am. well, it was late for me and not for him yet. i think he stayed up a bit longer working on some code and/or gaming, ahha.

13: i got out of bed and then made hot water and breakfast. then i started work right away because i had a physical therapy appointment today and i wanted to get work done. plus, we moved up standup to 12 pm. after kevin left for work, i did a bit of thinking and research. then i fit in an exercise session before standup. i did a hiit workout today and it made me sweat so much. my feet didn’t feel terrible but i’m still not 100% for jumping daily. we had a quick stand up and then i did a bit more work before showering and heading out to my physical therapy appointment. it was a cooler day in boston. my physical therapy went very well and it was fun picking up marbles with my toes again ahah. bryan said next session is my last and it seems like i’m pretty much all better. before leaving, he said he will have a graduation thing for me? lulz. i also met matt, the co-op, who helped me do some of the exercises. the train took 10 minutes to get there and kept stopping, so i got home later than expected.

i ate right away because i was sooo hungry. then i worked on templates and found a bunch of issues with our thinking :/ ugh. it was frustrating. what made it more frustrating was that masterchef on fox, kept buffering and stopping and telling me that my adobe token pass was expired... so i rq’d and found another stream for the latest episode. i finished a template and then stopped working  because there are issues we need to address before i move on to making more templates... kevin got back home earlier than usual :O we just chilled together until kevin started cooking this blue apron sweet and savory korean rice cake recipe! i did 30 minutes of obliques before cooling off (there was a lot of sweat here too) and looking up the best equipment to take travel photos. i looked into a selfie stick, which i don’t want anymore. i looked into phone lens accessories, which took a while but i’m probably going to buy a telephoto and wide angle lens...but i’m not sure which one yet. i basically researched this until i went to sleep... haha.

the rice cakes were super saucy and delicious. it was a bit too saucy for my taste, and kevin kind of overcooked the rice cakes, but it was still a great first attempt. we’ll definitely be making this again. we cleaned up, showered, and then kevin played hollow knight while i continued researching. i got sleepy at 11 pm tbh, but went to sleep at 12:30 am because i started playing with retrica and snapseed to see how i much editing i could do to a photo to make it “insta-worthy” in my opinion. i think i did a pretty good job! it was getting late so i just put away my phone and went to sleep while kevin gamed in the background, hhaa.

14: kevin made soft-boiled eggs for breakfast today! i had one along with my regular breakfast. mmm. while he was making them, i hopped on the computer and did some prepping for the meeting i was sort of leading today. then i noticed some work i had to backtrack on that i did yesterday -__-” lol i really need to talk to phil at this point. we didn’t get to talk before the meeting but it went pretty well. i explained how i re-created their map and some elements of ux360 and then phil took the reigns and explained more. i did have a few brain farts because i haven’t been using ux360 regularly / normally due to the tutorials and the one pagers. after the meeting, i grabbed some food and then talked to phil about the template challenges i have been experiencing. we got on stand up right after and then we were supposed to loop back, but phil had to talk to a few others on the team and because he’s in california and i’m in boston, he got back to be at 5:30 pm and said we would catch up on monday. lol. well, after stand up, i did work while watching the latest episode of love connection and also catching a good shiny tapu koko with hidden power ice. woot! i took a real quick nap after because i got dizzy from looking back and forth from multiple screens.

i woke up and forced myself to work out LOL. kevin was full when he came back because he ate a lot at happy hour at fitbit. i took my time working out and then showered. i was pretty full still because i had a late lunch. i eventually ate leftover thai basil beef bowl for dinner and just chilled while watching kevin continue completing hollow knight. he’s has almost completed the game! i was going to sleep early but that didn’t happen, haha. i managed to do my pt exercises before sleeping at like 1 am?

15: i think we got out of bed at like 11 am or 12 pm... well, we slept in for sure. haha. while we ate breakfast, we had a small argument about what bonchon location we planned for today. lol, i thought we were driving and he said we agreed on taking the ‘t’ yesterday night...but i don’t remember agreeing on that. LOL. we figured it out and we took the ‘t’ for one stop (there were buses taking us to the quincy center train stop this weekend) and then took it back home because kevin said he would drive instead with the traffic and all LOL. we also wanted to return the baking dishes we got from sur la table. so we went back and got bb and found street parking kind of near copley place... except that i put in copley square in the gps and that is NOT copley place... luckily, it was like a 5 minute walk away. eh heh heh... i also realized we did say we would take the train earlier so i apologized :P we returned the dishes, looked around, and then headed to prudential mall.

we stopped by num pang, a cambodian sandwich place, for a quick snack. their sandwiches are very much like banh mi. it was still delicioussss. we went to warby parker after and i ended up getting the one everyone said i should get. the checkout / ordering process was super quick, and i was out in like 10-15 minutes or so. kevin went to throw out our lemonade and disappeared into eataly when he was supposed to come back to warby parker, lols. i knew that he would stray there though so i knew where to find him after i was done. we explored eataly together tasting bread samples, getting their ninsola dessert, and a cannoli. everything was delicious. we ended up getting a prosciutto baked loaf and nommed on that on our walk back to the car. we didn’t have time for me to get a library card so we skipped that. oh well. later on in the day, i found out that i would need another library card for quincy if i got one in boston. hmmm. so i need to think on that more...

we drove to the bonchon in cambridge. for some reason, harvard square was still poppin’ and we had to circle a bit to find a parking spot. we could only find one for 30 minutes so we ordered our fried chicken to go. kevin went back to the car when time was about up and right after he left, i got the chicken. so we met at the car and then we drove to oh my tea to get some refreshing drinks to go with our fried chicken and seafood tteok bokki. :D we ate while watching the most recent season of ‘izombie’! yay, back to watching tv again~ the spicy wings were spicy af and apparently, the tteok bokki had heat that build. everything was really yummy though~ we had to get up and move around to digest and not fall into a food coma afterward. then we cleaned up and headed to star market to do a bit of grocery shopping.

we bought some meat and fruit because we had a ton of leftover veggies and we would be celebrating kevin’s birthday so we wouldn’t be cooking a lot this week. i restocked on dark chocolate too~ we decided that star market wasn’t as good as roche so we won’t be going there anymore unless there is a good sale ;P we got back, unpacked, and while watching another episode of ‘izombie’, the power went out in the area...LOL. it was a bit creepy. i lit all of my candles and put them in different rooms. we walked around and bummed until the lights went back on. we showered and then finished the episode and went to bed. i think i went to sleep at like 12:30 am? i think i had kevin take off my ice packs for me because i ko’d while they were still on my feet. hehe, thank you. it was a great day spent out with the bear <3 thank you again :)))))

16: i got up at 9am or so and then ate breakfast. i was going to exercise but i felt too tired. i initially woke up because i felt like i needed to get started on cleaning for some reason?? haha. i didn’t do either and instead, i started reading the journey mapping book dave gave me on the first day of work. :O i read two chapters while kevin woke up and brushed his teeth. then we ate leftovers while watching the most recent season of ‘izombie.’ lol we watched for a while. i think we stopped at around 2 pm. then i did an hour of cardio kickboxing and i was sweating sooo much x_x kevin went to game during that time and also shower. i cooled off, went to shower, and then started doing laundry. kevin and i ate more leftovers and watched two more episodes before i started cleaning while he talked to his parents on the phone. we both did our chores at the same time and got them done fairly quickly. i was still cleaning the bathroom while kevin started cooking dinner though, haha. i iced my feet and watched some youtube videos while kevin ate and made guac. i did some hip stretches and my pt exercises before packing for work and then making the bed and going to sleep. i went to sleep at around 11:45 pm. it wasn’t even hard going to sleep because that hour long workout tired me out.

[thisisaventing]

A vent?

This is a test. Size change. I like this size much better. So… I guess I should journal or some shit. Buying a typewriter to journal on so thats fun. I feel like Ill type more than ill hand write. Plus I can stick it in a binder n make it look cool n shit. Thats why I chose this font heh. This week I only work 3 days! I’m excited but also meh because I have lots of school work to do. I don’t want to fuck it all up ya know. Cry. Michelle is in here and i’m not wearing any pants. I feel kinda gross so umma go put some on. lol. I wonder when I can pick up the writer. Omg imma make so many lists. yasss. wait i may need to order ribbon crap. Ill do that asap. Maybe Ill write poetry. Or like short stories i don't know. Ive always liked the aesthetic of typewriters. I want something then become obsessed for a lil while lol. I’m so odd. My tummy is so mad. I’m sorry to my body. I don’t take care of you well enough. I wish I could. I wish I wasn’t such a fuck up. I want to do so much more but I fall backwards. I have the kettle going for a hot water bottle. There are many buttons on this keyboard. I like the clicky click it makes when i press them. I’m going to have to remember my grammar n shit when I use the typewriter because no spellcheck or autocorrect wow. I should go do my school work now but I don’t wanna. Anxiety is a bitch. I’m scared to go to work tomorrow. I’m scared about being, existing. Now i’m thinking of what I should eat for dinner. Hmmm. I want to make shit. Music, art, inspiring things. I want to be fucking inspiring. I want to make a change in the world but I can’t even change myself. Bleh feelingssss. Venting is good though I guess. Okay time to see if the lady responded to my message about u know what. No reply yet oh well. Tomorrow maybe. Okay Be right back school work time sigh. We are sitting journaling. I am listening to music. I got this feeling in my heart. Its a good happy feeling. I’m glad that you’re here with me. Last night I had sleep paralysis but it was quite different. I was asleep in my dream, I woke up and couldn't more very well. Then someone appeared and told me that I had been raped. I woke up immediately in real life after that. It made me so very anxious. I turned off the lights lit up my phone light and ran downstairs to join you in bed. I was all sweaty but so anxious I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be alone. Being close to you made me feel a bit better but, I was breathing deep, my heart was beating fast. Not sure what was up with that.

[lesbianrewrites]

The Martian Chapter 3

*disclaimer* This is a project done for fun, and none of these characters/works belong to me. I do not claim to own any of the material on this page.

This is a Lesbian edit of The Martian by Andy Weir.

Chapters will be posted every day at 2pm EST.

Google doc version can be found here. The chapter can also be found under the cut. Enjoy!

CHAPTER III

LOG ENTRY: SOL 25

Remember those old math questions you had in Algebra class? Where water is entering a container at a certain rate and leaving at a different rate and you need to figure out when it’ll be empty? Well, that concept is critical to the “Mark Watney doesn’t die” project I’m working on.

I need to create calories. And I need enough to last four years. I figure if I don’t get rescued by Ares 4, I’m dead anyway. So that’s my target: four years.

I have plenty of multivitamins; over double what I need. And there’s five times the minimum protein in each food pack, so careful rationing of portions takes care of my protein needs for at least four years. My general nutrition is taken care of. I just need calories.

I need 1500 calories every day. I have 400 days of food to start off with. So how many calories do I need to generate per day along the entire time period to stay alive for 1400 days total (the time till Ares 4 arrives)?

I’ll spare you the math. The answer is a cool 1000. I need to create 1000 calories per day with my farming efforts to survive until Ares 4 gets here. Actually, a little more than that, because it’s sol 25 right now and I haven’t actually planted anything yet.

With my 62 square meters of farmland, I’ll be able to create about 288 calories per day. I need to bring that up to 1000. I need four times my current plan’s production to survive.

I need more surface area for farming, and I need water to hydrate the soil. So let’s take the problems one at a time.

How much farmland can I really make?

There are 92 square meters in the Hab. Let’s say I could make use of all of it.

Also, there are five unused bunks. Let’s say I put soil in on them, too. They’re 2 square meters each, giving me 10 more square meters. So we’re up to 102.

The Hab has three lab tables, each about 2 square meters. I want to keep one for my own use, leaving two for the cause. That’s another four square meters, bringing the total to 106.

I have two Martian rovers. They have pressure seals, allowing the occupants to drive in ease, without spacesuits, as they spent long periods traversing the surface. They’re too cramped to plant crops in, and I want to be able to drive them around anyway. But both rovers have an emergency pop-tent.

There are a lot of problems with using pop-tents as farmland, but they have 10 square meters of floor space each. Presuming I can overcome the problems, they net me another 20 square meters, bringing my farmland up to 126.

126 square meters of farmable land. That’s something to work with. Not nearly enough water to moisten the soil, but like I said, one thing at a time.

The next thing to consider is how efficient I can be in growing potatoes. I based my crop yield estimates on the potato industry back on Earth. But potato farmers aren’t in a desperate race for survival like I am. Can I get a better yield?

For starters, I can give attention to each individual plant. I can trim them and keep them healthy and not interfering with each other. Also, as their flowering bodies breach the surface, I can replant them deeper, then plant younger plants above them. For normal potato farmers, it’s not worth doing because they’re working with literally millions of potato plants.

Also, this sort of farming annihilates the soil. Any farmer doing it would turn their land into a dust bowl within 12 years. It’s not sustainable. But who gives a shit? I just need to survive four years.

I estimate I can get 50% higher yield by using these tactics. And with the 126 square meter farmland (just over double the 62 square meters I have) it works out to be over 900 calories per day.

That’s real progress. I’d still be in danger of starvation, but it gets me in the range of survival. I might be able to make it by nearly starving but not quite dying. I could reduce my caloric use by minimizing manual labor. I could set the temperature of the Hab higher than normal, meaning my body expends less energy keeping its temperature. I could cut off an arm and eat it, gaining me valuable calories and reducing my overall caloric need.

No, not really.

So let’s say I could clear up that much farmland. Seems reasonable. Where do I get the water? To go from 62 to 126 square meters of farmland at 10cm deep, I’ll need 6.4 more cubic meters of soil (more shoveling, whee!) and that’ll need over 250 liters of water.

The 50L I have is for me to drink if the Water Reclaimer breaks. So I’m 250L short of my 250L goal.

Bleh. I’m going to bed

LOG ENTRY: SOL 26

It was a back-breaking yet productive day.

I was sick of thinking, so instead of trying to figure out where I’ll get 250L of water, I did some manual labor. I need to get a whole assload more soil in to the Hab, even if it is dry and useless right now.

I got a cubic meter in before getting exhausted.

Then, a minor dust-storm dropped by for an hour and covered the solar collectors with crap. So I had to suit up *again* and do *another* EVA. I was in a pissy mood the whole time. Sweeping off a huge field of solar cells is boring and physically demanding. But once the job was done, I came back to my Little Hab on the Prairie.

It was about time for another dirt-doubling, so I figured I may as well get it over with. It took an hour. One more doubling and the usable soil will all be good to go.

Also, I figured it was time to start up a seed crop. I’d doubled the soil enough that I could afford to leave a little corner of it alone. I had 12 potatoes to work with.

I am one lucky son-of-a-bitch they aren’t freeze-dried or mulched. Why did NASA send 12 whole potatoes, refrigerated but not frozen? And why send them along with us as in-pressure cargo rather than in a crate with the rest of the Hab supplies? Because Thanksgiving was going to happen while we were doing surface operations, and NASA’s shrinks thought it would be good to make a meal together. Not just to eat it, but to actually prepare it. There’s probably some logic to that, but who cares?

I cut each potato in to 4 pieces, making sure each piece had at least 2 eyes. The eyes are where they sprout from. I let them sit for a few hours to harden a bit, then planted them, well spaced apart, in the corner. God speed, little taters. My life depends on you.

Normally, it takes 90 days to yield full sized potatoes. But I can’t wait that long. I’ll need to cut up all the potatoes from this crop to seed the rest of the field.

By setting the Hab temperature to a balmy 25.5C, the plants will grow quicker. Also, the internal lights will provide plenty of “sunlight” and I’ll make sure they get lots of water (once I figure out where to get water). There will be no foul weather, or any parasites to hassle them, or any weeds to compete with for soil or nutrients. With all this going for them, they should yield healthy, sproutable tubers within 40 days.

I figured that was enough being Farmer Maia for one day.

A full meal for dinner. I’d earned it. Plus, I’d burned a ton of calories and I wanted them back.

I rifled through Commander Lewis’s stuff until I found her personal data-stick. Everyone got to bring whatever digital entertainment they wanted, and I was tired of listening to Johanssen’s Beatles Albums for now. Time to see what Lewis had.

Crappy TV shows. That’s what she had. Countless entire runs of TV shows from forever ago.

Well. Beggars can’t be choosers. “Three’s Company” it is.

LOG ENTRY: SOL 29

Over the last few days, I got all the dirt in that I’d need. I prepped the tables and bunks for holding the weight of soil, and even put the dirt in place. There’s still no water to make it viable, but I have some ideas. Really bad ideas, but they’re ideas.

Today’s big accomplishment was setting up the pop-tents

The problem with the rovers’ pop-tents is they weren’t designed for frequent use.

The idea was you’d throw out a pop-tent, get in, and wait for rescue. The airlock is nothing more than valves and two doors. Equalize the airlock with your side of it, get in. Equalize with the other side, get out. This means you lose a lot of air each use. And I’ll need to get in there at least once a day. The total volume of each pop tent is pretty low, so I can’t afford to lose air from it.

I spent *hours* trying to figure out how to attach a pop-tent airlock to a Hab airlock. I have three airlocks in the Hab. I’d be willing to dedicate two to pop-tents. That would have been awesome.

The frustrating part is pop-tent airlocks *can* attach to other airlocks! You might have injured people in there, or not enough space suits. You need to be able to get people out without exposing them to the Martian atmosphere.

But the pop-tents were designed for your crewmates to come rescue you in a *rover*. The airlocks on the Hab are much larger and completely different than the airlocks on the rovers. When you think about it, there’s really no reason to attach a pop-tent to the Hab.

Unless you’re stranded on Mars and everyone thinks you’re dead and you’re in a desperate fight against time and the elements to stay alive. But, you know, other than that edge case there’s no reason.

So I finally decided I’d just take the hit. I’ll be losing some air every time I enter or exit a pop-tent. The good news is each pop-tent has an air feed valve on the outside. Remember, these are emergency shelters. The occupants might need air, and you can provide it from a rover by hooking up an air line. It’s nothing more than a tube that equalizes the rover’s air with the pop-tent’s.

The Hab and the rovers use the same valve and tubing standards, so I was able to attach the pop tents directly to the Hab. That'll automatically replenish the air I lose with my entries and exits (what we NASA folk call ingress and egress).

NASA was not fucking around with these emergency tents. The moment I pushed the panic button in the rover, there was an ear-popping whoosh as the pop-tent fired out, attached to the rover airlock. It took about two seconds.

I closed the airlock from the rover side and ended up with a nice, isolated pop-tent. Setting up the equalizer hose was trivial (for once I’m using equipment the way it was designed to be used). Then, after a few trips through the airlock (with the air-loss automatically equalized by the Hab) I got the dirt in.

I repeated the process for the other tent. Everything went really easily.

Sigh… water.

In high school, I played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons. (You may not have guessed this Botanist / Mechanical Engineer was a bit of a nerd in high school, but indeed I was). In the game I played a Cleric. One of the magic spells I could cast was “Create Water”. I always thought it was a really stupid spell, and it never came up. Boy what I wouldn’t give to be able to do that in real life right now.

Anyway. That’s a problem for tomorrow.

For tonight, I have to get back to “Three’s Company.” I stopped last night in the middle of the episode where Mr. Roper saw something and took it out of context.

LOG ENTRY: SOL 30

I have an idiotically dangerous plan for getting the water I need. And boy do I mean *dangerous*. But I don’t have much choice. I’m out of ideas and I’m due for another dirt-doubling in a few days. When I do the final doubling, I’ll be doubling on to all that new soil I’ve brought in. If I don’t wet it first, it’ll just die.

There isn’t a lot of water here on Mars. There’s ice at the poles, but they’re too far away. If I want water I’ll have to make it from scratch. Fortunately, I know the recipe: Take hydrogen. Add oxygen. Burn.

Let’s take them one at a time. I’ll start with oxygen.

I have a fair bit of O2 reserves, but not enough to make 250 liters of water. Two high-pressure tanks at one end of the Hab are my entire supply (plus the air in the Hab of course). They each contain 25 liters of liquid O2. The Hab would only use them in an emergency; it has the Oxygenator to balance the atmosphere. The reason the O2 tanks are here is to feed the spacesuits and rovers.

Anyway, the reserve oxygen would only be enough to make 100L of water (50L of O2 makes 100L of molecules that only have one O each). That would mean no EVAs for me, and no emergency reserves. And it would make less than half the water I need. Out of the question.

But oxygen’s easier to find on Mars than you might think. The atmosphere is 98% CO2. And I happen to have a machine whose sole purpose is liberating oxygen from CO2. Yay Oxygenator!

One problem: The atmosphere is very thin. About 1/90th the pressure on Earth. So it’s hard to collect. Getting air from outside to inside is nearly impossible. The whole purpose of the Hab is to keep that sort of thing from happening. The tiny amount of Martian atmosphere that enters when I use an airlock is laughable.

That’s where the MAV fuel plant comes in.

My crewmates took the MAV away weeks ago. But the bottom half of it stayed behind. NASA is not in the habit of putting unnecessary shit in to orbit. It left the landing gear, ingress ramp, and fuel plant behind. Remember how the MAV made its own fuel with help from the Martian atmosphere? Step one of that is to collect CO2 and store it in a high pressure vessel. Once I get that hooked up to the Hab’s power, it’ll give me half a liter of liquid CO2 per hour, indefinitely. After 5 days it’ll have made 125L of CO2, which will make 125L of O2 after I feed it through the Oxygenator.

That’s enough to make 250L of water. So I have a plan for oxygen.

The hydrogen will be a little trickier.

I considered raiding the hydrogen fuel-cells, but I need those batteries to maintain power at night. If I don’t have that, It’ll get too cold. I could bundle up, but the cold would kill my crops. And each fuel cell only has a small amount of H2 anyway. It’s just not worth sacrificing so much usefulness for so little gain. The one thing I have going for me is that energy is not a problem. I don’t want to give that up.

So I’ll have to go a different route.

I often talk about the MAV. But now I want to talk about the MDV.

During the most terrifying 23 minutes of my life, four of my crewmates and I tried not to shit ourselves while Martinez piloted the MDV down to the surface. It was kind of like being in a tumble-dryer

First, we descended from Hermes, and decelerated our orbital velocity so we could start falling properly. Everything was smooth until we hit the atmosphere. If you think turbulence is rough in a jetliner going 720kph, just imagine what it’s like at 28,000kph.

Several staged sets of chutes deployed automatically to slow our descent, then Martinez manually piloted us to the ground, using the thrusters to slow descent and control our lateral motion. He’d trained for this for years, and he did his job extraordinarily well. He exceeded all plausible expectations of landings, putting us just nine meters from the target. The guy just plain owned that landing.

Thanks, Martinez! You may have saved my life!

Not because of the perfect landing, but because he left so much fuel behind. Hundreds of liters of unused Hydrazine. Each molecule of Hydrazine has four hydrogen atoms in it. So each liter of Hydrazine has enough hydrogen for *two* liters of water

I did a little EVA today to check. The MDV has 292L of juice left in the tanks. Enough to make a almost 600L of water! Way more than I need!

There’s just one catch: Liberating hydrogen from Hydrazine is… well… it's how rockets work. It’s really, really hot. And dangerous. If I do it in an oxygen atmosphere, the heat and newly liberated hydrogen will explode. There’ll be a lot of H2O at the end, but I’ll be too dead to appreciate it.

At its root, Hydrazine is pretty simple. The Germans used it as far back as World War II for rocket-assisted fighter fuel (and occasionally blew themselves up with it).

All you have to do is run it over a catalyst (which I can extract from the MDV engine) and it will turn in to nitrogen and hydrogen. I’ll spare you the chemistry, but the end result is that 5 molecules of Hydrazine becomes 5 molecules of harmless N2 and 10 molecules of lovely H2. During this process, it goes through an intermediate step of being ammonia. Chemistry, being the sloppy bitch it is, ensures there’ll be some ammonia that doesn’t react with the Hydrazine, so it’ll just stay ammonia. You like the smell of ammonia? Well it’ll be prevalent in my increasingly hellish existence.

The chemistry is on my side. The question now is how do I actually make this reaction happen slowly and how do I collect the hydrogen? The answer is: I don’t know.

I suppose I’ll think of something. Or die.

Anyway, much more important: I simply can’t abide the replacement of Chrissie with Cindy. “Three’s Company” may never be the same after this fiasco. Time will tell.